Sometimes even the best of us need a day off, or we get sick and can't make it to work. That's when we call in those unsung heroes who do the work of the weary... the substitute teacher! I know there's a special section in heaven for these folks. God knows I couldn't hack it as a sub, lo those many years ago. One of my fans, I mean my friends, offered this little gem to me as an example of the overzealous sub. I've, of course, offered my commentary alongside of the actual document. Need I remind you that I couldn't make this stuff up. Behold this thing of beauty:
Mr. Jones,
I was your sub for Friday; SEMS has me as having subbed for Smith but the office switched as often happens. (It's always good to throw the front office under the bus when subbing.)
I left the yellow attendance sheets and the sign-in sheets in your mailbox along with a few notes regarding "who did what when" so you can address their behavior as you see fit. I left the tests in the cardboard box on your desk.
You will see that I used the sign-in procedure differently than other subs. (because I am a trained professional ) I setup a blank page to become a seating chart and then, walking down the aisles (proximity!), (and I know my educational jargon) I asked for the student's name and alpha according to their seat location. This procedure that I call "Silent Roll" (I'm glad he didn't call it the silent but deadly roll) serves several purposes.
As soon as I start walking among the students to fill out the chart, they became quiet. Period 7 was the exception, but a few notes about that below.(Oh.. a cliffhanger)
Another purpose is that we get class started faster than if I were to call roll, and there are fewer chances for outbursts, etc. I use each interaction as an opportunity to at least say "thank you" to each student. This interaction helps later on. Depending on the class size and temperament,(like that of ill-tempered badgers) I sometimes say "Good Morning/Afternoon" and/or "Hi! or How are you today?" This small increment of interaction helps personalize "the sub" and makes additional requests easier.(don't we all appreciate common courtesy? why would kids be any different?) For example, a group of students in 3rd or 4th period were talking. I did the "kneel in front of the desk with one eye on the room" thing (Ohh that's what it's called) and asked a student which alternative outcome he would prefer: Keeping quiet - or - changing seats and then keeping quiet. He was quite the role model after that.(This is an example of "Morton's Fork" rather than Hobson's Choice.)(forgive me, but what in the sam-hill is he talking about?) Choices work.
Whenever I saw a cell phone out, I would ask them to let me hold it for ten seconds. After hesitation, they almost always said "Yes" which would give me the opportunity to say "If I see this again, it's a referral." Holding the phone while saying the necessary words increased my credibility. Quiet tones, personal and private conversation, strong impact.I was not as severe w/r/t/ ipods for several reasons, but often I said "No" and later relented for good behavior.(i.e. HE CAVED) Dr. Johnson at Local Community College told a class I was in that digital natives (how can you tell when digital natives are restless? they give you the finger! Get it, digital natives? finger?) actually work better when they have the noise on and I agree. (well if you agree, then school policy be damned.) ours is a progressive county (stop laughing) and I think there will be an official policy change in the future. (Thank you, Nostradamus) BTW, hats were not allowed (respect) and neither were sunglasses (blood shot eyes, etc.)(his or their's?)
Finally, the ad hoc seating chart becames (I didn't edit this... it really does say becames) useful if intervention was required. When the students saw that I knew their names and that I was writing notes on the seating chart, this was usually all that I needed to do to keep them from doing whatever they should not have been doing, because the loss of anonymity was unexpected, and because they believed the regular teacher would deal with whatever needed to be dealt with the following day.The procedure worked Periods 1,2,3,5 and 6. One period (2nd or 3rd - 20 student total) looked as though it might be full of behavior problems, but as soon as I started taking names(and kicking ass)/locations for attendance, it stopped. Period 5 was chock full of "cute remarks" such as "What's the answer to question __." I explained to all students that a diagnostic test is a formative assessment (? correct term)(I know Morton's fork and Hanson's choice but I don't know if I've correctly identified formative assessment) and by giving their own answer, Mr. Smith would then know what to cover.
Even so, Period 5 eventually calmed down somewhat. The only class which did not calm down was the last.A student in 5th asked me if I lisped, but I told her I program in LISP (List Processing, the macro language for AutoCAD and AI). (Dazzle them with bullshit) Her inability to offer a witty retort led to her subsequent ability to focus on her work. Period 7 had a few hardened cases who were disrespectful and obstinate. I identified them as "drawing pictures."
Because the facilities guy was pestering me all day to have the students do a desk exchange (What is he paid to do? Can I have that job?),(now we're casting aspersions on other people's jobs) when it became clear that 7th was not working, I had them carry the desks out. Facilities Management guy said they just made it more difficult. Not your (specific) problem. Not my (specific) problem, though of course, we should all seek ways to go above and beyond to enhance the experience for everyone. (my experience has been enhanced already) If we had done the desk exchange in an earlier period, then obviously there would have been problems in later periods because the replacement desks still needed to be brought in. These desks stack and there are special handcarts for moving them. As it happened, no classes were unnecessarily disrupted.
On the subject of facilities, I removed a buzzing and humming bulb from an overhead light and replaced it after 7th period. Contrary to student belief, the electric potential of 110V is not sufficient to travel through glass, my hand, my body, my rubber soled shoes, the plastic chair seat, the floor, and then to ground. The rotation friction of the bulb socket ends poses no threat if the bulbs are handled near the ends such that the theta angle (shear resulting from torsion of a thin-walled cylinder) is less than 45 degrees, meaning that the glass in the tub is stressed in direct tension rather than shear. It is shear that would allow the glass stresses to exceed Tau-max. Sigma-max for tension is not possible. I would have explained this to your kids,(but they are far too stupid to understand it, as are most people who have a life) but since many of them are still at "how many inches per foot" stage, it would have been a bad idea.
I am qualified to teach Math, Physics, and apparently, Introduction to Mechanics of Materials (Civil Engineer, you see). There was no health hazard. Improvement is a good thing. Next time I would waste no time introducing myself. The agenda was on the board and they knew how to do their tasks. Some classes, especially higher level, like me to at least say "Hello" (again with the common courtesy thing) but other classes work better when we get right to the work.
***I did not answer many of their questions during the diagnostic test. There were questions about how to answer and how much information to provide. I told them "just put the letter down" for multiple choice and "just the answer, not your work" for the other problems.Some other questions were of basic knowledge such as "how many inches in a foot." I listed them on the sign-in sheets, on the back.
***Please excuse my sloppy (and incorrect) derivation of the formula for the volume of the solid of revolution (cone). I chose to integrate A(y)dy from y=0 to y=h. It was done on the fly while walking around.(FOR SHAME) As soon as I sat in peace, here at home, it was easy. :-)(Oh, I'm sure it was...easy peasy)
***It was good to see a former student (C.S. - 7th period).
***I am preparing PowerPoint macros for my portfolio. Pick a subject and I'll do some for you.I would be happy to sub for you again. (no, really, use me. I mean it.)
I live in very close by making the commute easy to do. If you call me (That's a plus... if he's not at school in 30 minutes is the pizza free?)
Now, please don't misunderstand. Each time we have a substitute teacher in our classroom we're thrilled that no one bleeds, things get done and they leave some coherent notes. This diatribe, which I think it's safe to call this a diatribe, is overkill. I don't have time to read through the first volume in "How Great I am as a Substitute Teacher" by Joe Blow. Cut to the chase. I am not in a position to hire or fire you, although your inability to solve the equation outside of the peace and quiet of your own home does make me wish I could! Duh! I know this may not be as funny as I think it is...but you have to admire this guy's effort. He's a trooper from the word go and Dear Lord, please do not put this guy in my classroom!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Homeroom...what is it good for...absolutely nothing.. say it again...
It's time to meet some of the young men and women who give me such a wealth of material... the motley crew that is my homeroom...
We only have homeroom once a week at my school, but believe me that's plenty of time. We're utilizing a program developed by Stephen Covey, which in and of itself is a good program, but it's rather lame. How in the world am I supposed to teach decision making and character education to a bunch of kids I see once a week for 30 minutes? Sure, I'm a super teacher and all... false modesty aside for a moment, but it's darn near impossible. This morning we focused on how well we know our parents. There was a survey for students to fill out regarding their parents, information like eye color, hopes and dreams... you know really easy stuff. Duane, who you may know from a previous entry, looks me in the eye this morning when I hand him his survey and says, "What's this shit, Miss?" Which was exactly what I wanted to know but was afraid to ask.
A word about Duane. Duane is the reason there is a stereotype of the African American gay young man. He's small so he's got a lot to prove, i.e. "i ain't never been no bitch, bitch" and he's snippy. Duane is the man you want in your corner in a "yo mamma" battle. The kid is good. He's got a rapier sharp wit and biting sense of the well timed come back. He's also a swishy as they come. I enjoy Duane. He's real.
I have twins in my class. One of them I taught as a junior and the other brother, well I didn't have him. Thank GOD! These two goons are constantly bickering with one another. It's like a lame Smothers brother routine. Mom likes me best. No, she likes me best. One young man wrestles and this has earned him the pleasure of his brother telling anyone who will listen that his brother is in fact, "a queer who rolls around with other guys." Naturally this doesn't go over well. It's a wonder to me how their parents can stand them. After all I only see them once a week for 30 minutes. I had no idea that 17 year old boys fought like 2 year olds.
There is a group of really good kids, i.e. in IB and AP classes, really smart and talented. They sit in the back of the room-near my desk and talk about things like which Shakespeare play they are reading and how each other's college application process is going. They're a really self-sufficient group of kids. At times I am sure they are afraid for their lives in that classroom.
There's another contingency of really good kids who come every Wednesday morning and ask me to help them with their English IV assignments. I do. I have some colleagues who believe that if they load a kid up with 50 vocabulary words a week they are TOUGH and their course is CHALLENGING. I can't quite figure out the logic behind this assumption and I don't have the heart to tell them that volume doesn't equal rigor. It just makes you an asshole. I'd also wager that they themselves don't know half of the vocabulary words they assign but that's a story for another day.
Then we have James. James is a young man who singlehandedly convinced a large portion of the class that Barack Obama was a secret Muslim and when he was elected President he would, in fact, bring over and I quote, because to not quote would lead you to believe I was making this up, he would "bring over all those BALALALALALALALA people." While I am certain that most days I am going deaf and genuinely don't hear half the crap they say, on that day I said, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"at least 3 times. I finally isolated the offending portion of the declaration, "James, what is BALALALALALA?" to which he replied innocently enough, "the towel heads, camel jockeys, you know, Miss." Should I point out that James is an African American young man? Never being one to fear pointing out the obvious I say, "James let me get this straight. You're an African American man..." I am interrupted at this point by Duane, whose two cents is always offered, "Miss, James think he's white. He ain't black, Miss." "Excuse me Duane... now, James, you're an African American man who is continuing to spread racial stereotypes?" "Miss, " he says, "It's true, they are towel heads." At this point my head exploded and I don't recall the rest of that day.
Last, but certainly not least, is Lynnetta. Lynnetta is a lovely young woman. She's tall and striking. Her weave is always impeccable, clothing is immaculate, heels are always at least 4 inches tall. Lynnetta is a knock out, except when she isn't. Most days Lynnetta is dressed better than most of the teachers at my school. She's a fashion plate from the word go. Her efforts are appreciated by the male population of the school. Young men really do clamor to carry her books. I thought that was a myth of days gone by, but they really do carry her books to class for her. It's amazing. She's also completely aware of her power. Lynnetta is the what the Spice Girls had in mind when they chanted Girl Power! She owns it and works it. I admire it really. On days when she's not on her game Lynnetta is unrecognizable. She'll sport old, baggy sweatpants, BEDROOM SLIPPERS, some hugely oversized t-shirt and her hair will be wrapped up in some sort of bandana thing. The first time she came in like that I didn't know who she was. I asked her if she was new to the class! She was offended. Imagine that. Lynnetta is Frack to Duane's Frick. She is his back-up when they tag team James. Duane will usually make a comment on James's blackness and Lynnetta is his "Amen" choir. It's really a beautiful thing. It's like a carefully choreographed dance. Duane sweeps in with a barb, and Lynnetta adds insult to the injury.
At the end of the 30 minutes I am just happy that no one is bleeding and no one got their feelings hurt, too badly. The kids at the back of the room file out and say good-bye, the vocab. crew gives me an appreciative "thanks, Miss" and the others well they just run out as fast as they can as if somehow I've been torturing them.
We only have homeroom once a week at my school, but believe me that's plenty of time. We're utilizing a program developed by Stephen Covey, which in and of itself is a good program, but it's rather lame. How in the world am I supposed to teach decision making and character education to a bunch of kids I see once a week for 30 minutes? Sure, I'm a super teacher and all... false modesty aside for a moment, but it's darn near impossible. This morning we focused on how well we know our parents. There was a survey for students to fill out regarding their parents, information like eye color, hopes and dreams... you know really easy stuff. Duane, who you may know from a previous entry, looks me in the eye this morning when I hand him his survey and says, "What's this shit, Miss?" Which was exactly what I wanted to know but was afraid to ask.
A word about Duane. Duane is the reason there is a stereotype of the African American gay young man. He's small so he's got a lot to prove, i.e. "i ain't never been no bitch, bitch" and he's snippy. Duane is the man you want in your corner in a "yo mamma" battle. The kid is good. He's got a rapier sharp wit and biting sense of the well timed come back. He's also a swishy as they come. I enjoy Duane. He's real.
I have twins in my class. One of them I taught as a junior and the other brother, well I didn't have him. Thank GOD! These two goons are constantly bickering with one another. It's like a lame Smothers brother routine. Mom likes me best. No, she likes me best. One young man wrestles and this has earned him the pleasure of his brother telling anyone who will listen that his brother is in fact, "a queer who rolls around with other guys." Naturally this doesn't go over well. It's a wonder to me how their parents can stand them. After all I only see them once a week for 30 minutes. I had no idea that 17 year old boys fought like 2 year olds.
There is a group of really good kids, i.e. in IB and AP classes, really smart and talented. They sit in the back of the room-near my desk and talk about things like which Shakespeare play they are reading and how each other's college application process is going. They're a really self-sufficient group of kids. At times I am sure they are afraid for their lives in that classroom.
There's another contingency of really good kids who come every Wednesday morning and ask me to help them with their English IV assignments. I do. I have some colleagues who believe that if they load a kid up with 50 vocabulary words a week they are TOUGH and their course is CHALLENGING. I can't quite figure out the logic behind this assumption and I don't have the heart to tell them that volume doesn't equal rigor. It just makes you an asshole. I'd also wager that they themselves don't know half of the vocabulary words they assign but that's a story for another day.
Then we have James. James is a young man who singlehandedly convinced a large portion of the class that Barack Obama was a secret Muslim and when he was elected President he would, in fact, bring over and I quote, because to not quote would lead you to believe I was making this up, he would "bring over all those BALALALALALALALA people." While I am certain that most days I am going deaf and genuinely don't hear half the crap they say, on that day I said, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"at least 3 times. I finally isolated the offending portion of the declaration, "James, what is BALALALALALA?" to which he replied innocently enough, "the towel heads, camel jockeys, you know, Miss." Should I point out that James is an African American young man? Never being one to fear pointing out the obvious I say, "James let me get this straight. You're an African American man..." I am interrupted at this point by Duane, whose two cents is always offered, "Miss, James think he's white. He ain't black, Miss." "Excuse me Duane... now, James, you're an African American man who is continuing to spread racial stereotypes?" "Miss, " he says, "It's true, they are towel heads." At this point my head exploded and I don't recall the rest of that day.
Last, but certainly not least, is Lynnetta. Lynnetta is a lovely young woman. She's tall and striking. Her weave is always impeccable, clothing is immaculate, heels are always at least 4 inches tall. Lynnetta is a knock out, except when she isn't. Most days Lynnetta is dressed better than most of the teachers at my school. She's a fashion plate from the word go. Her efforts are appreciated by the male population of the school. Young men really do clamor to carry her books. I thought that was a myth of days gone by, but they really do carry her books to class for her. It's amazing. She's also completely aware of her power. Lynnetta is the what the Spice Girls had in mind when they chanted Girl Power! She owns it and works it. I admire it really. On days when she's not on her game Lynnetta is unrecognizable. She'll sport old, baggy sweatpants, BEDROOM SLIPPERS, some hugely oversized t-shirt and her hair will be wrapped up in some sort of bandana thing. The first time she came in like that I didn't know who she was. I asked her if she was new to the class! She was offended. Imagine that. Lynnetta is Frack to Duane's Frick. She is his back-up when they tag team James. Duane will usually make a comment on James's blackness and Lynnetta is his "Amen" choir. It's really a beautiful thing. It's like a carefully choreographed dance. Duane sweeps in with a barb, and Lynnetta adds insult to the injury.
At the end of the 30 minutes I am just happy that no one is bleeding and no one got their feelings hurt, too badly. The kids at the back of the room file out and say good-bye, the vocab. crew gives me an appreciative "thanks, Miss" and the others well they just run out as fast as they can as if somehow I've been torturing them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)