Sometimes even the best of us need a day off, or we get sick and can't make it to work. That's when we call in those unsung heroes who do the work of the weary... the substitute teacher! I know there's a special section in heaven for these folks. God knows I couldn't hack it as a sub, lo those many years ago. One of my fans, I mean my friends, offered this little gem to me as an example of the overzealous sub. I've, of course, offered my commentary alongside of the actual document. Need I remind you that I couldn't make this stuff up. Behold this thing of beauty:
Mr. Jones,
I was your sub for Friday; SEMS has me as having subbed for Smith but the office switched as often happens. (It's always good to throw the front office under the bus when subbing.)
I left the yellow attendance sheets and the sign-in sheets in your mailbox along with a few notes regarding "who did what when" so you can address their behavior as you see fit. I left the tests in the cardboard box on your desk.
You will see that I used the sign-in procedure differently than other subs. (because I am a trained professional ) I setup a blank page to become a seating chart and then, walking down the aisles (proximity!), (and I know my educational jargon) I asked for the student's name and alpha according to their seat location. This procedure that I call "Silent Roll" (I'm glad he didn't call it the silent but deadly roll) serves several purposes.
As soon as I start walking among the students to fill out the chart, they became quiet. Period 7 was the exception, but a few notes about that below.(Oh.. a cliffhanger)
Another purpose is that we get class started faster than if I were to call roll, and there are fewer chances for outbursts, etc. I use each interaction as an opportunity to at least say "thank you" to each student. This interaction helps later on. Depending on the class size and temperament,(like that of ill-tempered badgers) I sometimes say "Good Morning/Afternoon" and/or "Hi! or How are you today?" This small increment of interaction helps personalize "the sub" and makes additional requests easier.(don't we all appreciate common courtesy? why would kids be any different?) For example, a group of students in 3rd or 4th period were talking. I did the "kneel in front of the desk with one eye on the room" thing (Ohh that's what it's called) and asked a student which alternative outcome he would prefer: Keeping quiet - or - changing seats and then keeping quiet. He was quite the role model after that.(This is an example of "Morton's Fork" rather than Hobson's Choice.)(forgive me, but what in the sam-hill is he talking about?) Choices work.
Whenever I saw a cell phone out, I would ask them to let me hold it for ten seconds. After hesitation, they almost always said "Yes" which would give me the opportunity to say "If I see this again, it's a referral." Holding the phone while saying the necessary words increased my credibility. Quiet tones, personal and private conversation, strong impact.I was not as severe w/r/t/ ipods for several reasons, but often I said "No" and later relented for good behavior.(i.e. HE CAVED) Dr. Johnson at Local Community College told a class I was in that digital natives (how can you tell when digital natives are restless? they give you the finger! Get it, digital natives? finger?) actually work better when they have the noise on and I agree. (well if you agree, then school policy be damned.) ours is a progressive county (stop laughing) and I think there will be an official policy change in the future. (Thank you, Nostradamus) BTW, hats were not allowed (respect) and neither were sunglasses (blood shot eyes, etc.)(his or their's?)
Finally, the ad hoc seating chart becames (I didn't edit this... it really does say becames) useful if intervention was required. When the students saw that I knew their names and that I was writing notes on the seating chart, this was usually all that I needed to do to keep them from doing whatever they should not have been doing, because the loss of anonymity was unexpected, and because they believed the regular teacher would deal with whatever needed to be dealt with the following day.The procedure worked Periods 1,2,3,5 and 6. One period (2nd or 3rd - 20 student total) looked as though it might be full of behavior problems, but as soon as I started taking names(and kicking ass)/locations for attendance, it stopped. Period 5 was chock full of "cute remarks" such as "What's the answer to question __." I explained to all students that a diagnostic test is a formative assessment (? correct term)(I know Morton's fork and Hanson's choice but I don't know if I've correctly identified formative assessment) and by giving their own answer, Mr. Smith would then know what to cover.
Even so, Period 5 eventually calmed down somewhat. The only class which did not calm down was the last.A student in 5th asked me if I lisped, but I told her I program in LISP (List Processing, the macro language for AutoCAD and AI). (Dazzle them with bullshit) Her inability to offer a witty retort led to her subsequent ability to focus on her work. Period 7 had a few hardened cases who were disrespectful and obstinate. I identified them as "drawing pictures."
Because the facilities guy was pestering me all day to have the students do a desk exchange (What is he paid to do? Can I have that job?),(now we're casting aspersions on other people's jobs) when it became clear that 7th was not working, I had them carry the desks out. Facilities Management guy said they just made it more difficult. Not your (specific) problem. Not my (specific) problem, though of course, we should all seek ways to go above and beyond to enhance the experience for everyone. (my experience has been enhanced already) If we had done the desk exchange in an earlier period, then obviously there would have been problems in later periods because the replacement desks still needed to be brought in. These desks stack and there are special handcarts for moving them. As it happened, no classes were unnecessarily disrupted.
On the subject of facilities, I removed a buzzing and humming bulb from an overhead light and replaced it after 7th period. Contrary to student belief, the electric potential of 110V is not sufficient to travel through glass, my hand, my body, my rubber soled shoes, the plastic chair seat, the floor, and then to ground. The rotation friction of the bulb socket ends poses no threat if the bulbs are handled near the ends such that the theta angle (shear resulting from torsion of a thin-walled cylinder) is less than 45 degrees, meaning that the glass in the tub is stressed in direct tension rather than shear. It is shear that would allow the glass stresses to exceed Tau-max. Sigma-max for tension is not possible. I would have explained this to your kids,(but they are far too stupid to understand it, as are most people who have a life) but since many of them are still at "how many inches per foot" stage, it would have been a bad idea.
I am qualified to teach Math, Physics, and apparently, Introduction to Mechanics of Materials (Civil Engineer, you see). There was no health hazard. Improvement is a good thing. Next time I would waste no time introducing myself. The agenda was on the board and they knew how to do their tasks. Some classes, especially higher level, like me to at least say "Hello" (again with the common courtesy thing) but other classes work better when we get right to the work.
***I did not answer many of their questions during the diagnostic test. There were questions about how to answer and how much information to provide. I told them "just put the letter down" for multiple choice and "just the answer, not your work" for the other problems.Some other questions were of basic knowledge such as "how many inches in a foot." I listed them on the sign-in sheets, on the back.
***Please excuse my sloppy (and incorrect) derivation of the formula for the volume of the solid of revolution (cone). I chose to integrate A(y)dy from y=0 to y=h. It was done on the fly while walking around.(FOR SHAME) As soon as I sat in peace, here at home, it was easy. :-)(Oh, I'm sure it was...easy peasy)
***It was good to see a former student (C.S. - 7th period).
***I am preparing PowerPoint macros for my portfolio. Pick a subject and I'll do some for you.I would be happy to sub for you again. (no, really, use me. I mean it.)
I live in very close by making the commute easy to do. If you call me (That's a plus... if he's not at school in 30 minutes is the pizza free?)
Now, please don't misunderstand. Each time we have a substitute teacher in our classroom we're thrilled that no one bleeds, things get done and they leave some coherent notes. This diatribe, which I think it's safe to call this a diatribe, is overkill. I don't have time to read through the first volume in "How Great I am as a Substitute Teacher" by Joe Blow. Cut to the chase. I am not in a position to hire or fire you, although your inability to solve the equation outside of the peace and quiet of your own home does make me wish I could! Duh! I know this may not be as funny as I think it is...but you have to admire this guy's effort. He's a trooper from the word go and Dear Lord, please do not put this guy in my classroom!
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